Broken
by Mei Zhen
Summary: As they stood holding ech other in that hospital corridor, so many truths were revealed, if only in their own minds...(MSR, during that scene in Memento Mori)


A/N: I just love, love, love the song 'Broken' that comes in The Punisher soundtrack. It's by Seether and Amy Lee from Evanescence. Please everyone download it because I grant you that you will enjoy it. That's wht inspired me to write this fic. :) You can hear a (long) sample of it on evanescence.com Absolutely stunning, really.  
  
Genre: Romance, Angst  
  
Keywords: MSR, Songfic, One-shot, Post- Memento Mori, Mulder POV at first and Scully POV after the second verse of the song. ;)  
  
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''I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh  
  
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away  
  
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well  
  
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain ...''  
  
There are moments in time when you just feel time stop. When you want to make a second last an eternity, and the moment you wish that, it's gone. A neverending vicious circle where we learn that the more we want something, the sooner we lose it. And sometimes I keep wondering why.  
  
You say that's life, that's a simple life cycle. But deep inside, doesn't something tell you that there is more to life than just scientific explanations? Something like fate, even deeper. Something that makes you think that our life is related to what and who we love. That our mere existence spins around our feelings. That is what I start believing.  
  
As I watch you leave a room with your head lowered, I know that there may come a time where I will have to say goodbye as well. But I know forehand that when that happens I won't keep myself together. I wonder how you manage not to burst into tears. Or yell at me when I yell to the skies my paranoid theories, or even laugh when I rant about aliens.  
  
''...'Cause I'm broken when I'm open  
  
And I don't feel like I am strong enough...''  
  
But that is just the way you are. Keeping emotions to yourself as much as possible. Trying to seem cold and distant even when your eyes give you away. Opposite, different to myself. When I anger, I scream, and when I am sad, I cry. I even crack jokes, sometimes to make you react, and sometimes to get away from my own fear. Ancient family secret, but I bet that you have alredy found out what the true meaning of that is. It's like when you harden your gaze, but a different version.  
  
My balance. You manage to make me remain true to what I believe in what's important. You push me in the right direction. You have been doing so for the past four years, and I have lived with you to a point where I know I would not be able to be left without you.  
  
But you don't imagine it. Or maybe you do. And you deny it to yourself just as much as I do. As you leave without eyeing me, I stand from the couch at the hospital where I have been sitting for the past hours. The mere fear of realising that I would lose you keeping me awake. I realice now, Scully, that life would be meaningless if you left. With noone I could hold onto, noone that would believe me. And most likely, noone to love.  
  
'' ...'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome  
  
And I don't feel right when you're gone away  
  
You've gone away, you don't feel me, anymore...''  
  
''She gone?'' I ask, concerned. Penny Northern was the name of the woman that you had become friends with. Maybe a friendship that you were not aware of, but that still in your subconscious made you realise that there was something else to her and you that met the eye.  
  
You turn to me slowly, silently. You are a small figure standing on its own in the middle of the wide hospital corridor. In some way, as you have always been. A loner, jst like me. Someone with nothing to lose because simply there was nothing you had. But after this time, things have changed for you and I. And now I realise that with the joy of having someone to trust, also comes the pain of losing them.  
  
You nod. Your face does not change for a second, and then your eyes change. Your eyes start to water, but you don't give in. You hold yourself again, and get closer to where I stand. Now I realise that you are smaller than it usually looks. Maybe it's how you feel as well. Tiny, unable to do anything to save Penny. Maybe seeing yourself with the same fate.  
  
''I'm sorry. I know what she meant to you.''  
  
You remain silent. I would rather have you show what you are thinking. All of this would be easier for us both if we never hid so much what we are feeling. If I told you, you would know what I mean. But I don't,I just close my mouth, same as ever. But there is something that happened tonight that I felt tore me apart from the inside, and that I can't help but ask you about.  
  
''When I came to find you, you weren't in your room I got scared that something had happened...and I read some of what you wrote.'' I say it almost not noticing, not thinking about what I have just said. You look down, almost ashamed. I start regretting I said it in the first place...  
  
''I didn't want you to read that... I had decided to throw it out. I decided tonight that ...that I'm not going to let this thing beat me. I came into this hospital able to work, and that's how I'm leaving.'' Your voice sounds broken, lost. Hopeless, even when you plan to live as much as possible. I nod and manage a slight smile.  
  
I ask about what you had heard about the doctor and the treatment, even if I know that Byers would have rushed to tell you even if you had been stuck in Transilvania. But I need to hear straight from you that you know why I am not letting you do this. I didn't like it that you decided to stay here. But I like even less to have to tell you that it's not even an option.  
  
''...You know I've got things to finish, to prove to myself, to my family, but for my own reasons. '' You end up saying. Fair enough, as far as I am concerned. I don't want you to give up. Not now, not like this. Not for this reason. You have been strong enough to stand by me at worse moments, and it would not be like you to surrender. That is something I could do, give up when there seems to be no other way to find a solution. That's why I need you. You smile slightly, probably knowing what I am thinking. You always do, I think with a smile.  
  
''...The worst is over now and we can breathe again  
  
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away  
  
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight  
  
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain ...''  
  
There are many things on my mind as I make sure that you know that you understand me. You smile back at me, and I start to think that maybe there would be nothing wrong with telling you what I feel. I have just done it, after all. You know it, I see it in your eyes.  
  
Vulnerable now more than ever, I will need someone to hold onto. And other friends or my family would not understand. Not like you, never like you. I take things in the negative way most of the time, and I don't see the bright side of things. Mostly because keeping something scientific means seeing just the worse outcome all the time. You have to figure out hope for me. And somehow, you always do.  
  
You wrap your arms around me, and I feel small. Not physically, but morally. But feels good to know that you are going to be there for me, someone I can hold onto when I fear to sink into the deepest darkness, maybe of my own mind. You are always there, catching me before I fall. I stay still for a second, feeling your warmth, and realise that after this time, I would not be able to go on without you.  
  
Yes, I admitted it. Even if it's only to myself. I would not be able to continue without you, Mulder. You paranoid, spooky, seed-eater. That's why I smile even deeper, thinking to myself that for once, leaving the coldness aside has given me exactly what I needed to live on: You.  
  
''...'Cause I'm broken when I'm open  
  
And I don't feel like I am strong enough  
  
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome  
  
And I don't feel right when you're gone away ...''  
  
You hold me tightly and run your hand over my hair, with your head lenaing against mine. I know, if Skinner saw this he would have a stroke. Always watching our backs while we ignore him...well, not ignore him. But ignore his orders. Funny how some people remain on your side while you still do as you will. Only it's not as I will anymore, Mulder. It's what you will. What you believe in. And now it's what I believe in as well.  
  
You hold my face in your hands and plant a soft kiss on my forehead. I know what you are thinking. I always do. But I just never tell you. You look into my eyes for a long time, and I gaze back. Behind your eyes there is too much feeling to miss it now...  
  
I love you, even if I complain about every single word you say, and stand against your convictions. But that's the truth. And you know that as well. You read what I wrote. It's a proof of how I felt, one of those proofs that I keep searching for everywhere. And this time, you found it. And much to my relief, before it's too late. If my time to go has to come soon, I will not regret you reading it.  
  
You know, so why back away from it now? What would the point be? I wander, but I can't come up with an answer. I don't even want it. Your eyes tell me that you feel the same. And for now, that is enough reason to continue with life. Short as it might be, it will be by your side.  
  
''...'Cause I'm broken when I'm open  
  
And I don't feel like I am strong enough  
  
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome  
  
And I don't feel right when you're gone away...''  
  
I finally take my eyes off you, even if takes me a long while to do so, and I start heading back towards my room. I know you watch me. You are always doing so. Even when you try to conceal it under professional causes or crack a joke when I catch you. Not as if it matters. Because I watch you too. And I am not taking my eyes off you, now less than ever. You are what I want to remember when darkness comes and I feel fear.  
  
''...'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome  
  
And I don't feel right when you're gone away  
  
You've gone away  
  
You don't feel me here anymore''  
  
Knowing that one day, I wil be gone. 


End file.
